Becoming
My entire life has felt like a quest for purpose. I can’t remember a time when purpose wasn’t a driving factor. This was especially challenging during my formative years when, surrounded by other people’s ideas about purpose, I struggled to define my own.
While I believe most of the people I grew up around had good intentions, their own struggles to define what purpose was and how we achieved it sent me frantically searching to figure it out for myself. Purpose became an endless pursuit of something I couldn’t define.
Somehow, I picked up the idea that purpose was one thing and one thing only. As if I had to find a calling for my life and then do that one thing until the day I died and only in that way could I fulfill my purpose. It was high stakes! And if I failed to find purpose, it wasn’t just failure, it was being spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically cast out of the world to dwell in a place of abject lack. Somehow, my entire existence was on the line, and it felt hopeless.
I asked my Dad about purpose a lot. I asked how to define it, understand it, identify it etc. The list was endless! I suspect we had this conversation once or twice a week for years. I vividly remember, when I was 16 or 17, revisiting the conversation with him again. My levels of desperation had risen, and I really wanted a clear answer. We were outside on the farm, doing some work, and he paused to lean against his shovel handle to answer my question.
He looked at me and said, “What if your purpose is just to be? Just to be you. To be the best version of yourself possible. Why would that not be enough?”
I recall feeling two things in that moment: 1) A sense of utter hopelessness. There’s no way this could be the purpose I’d been pursuing! and 2) A tiny seed of hope. What if it were that simple? I walked away from that conversation with mixed emotions. I don’t actually remember whether or not I asked him about purpose again. I do know I wasn’t satisfied with the answer. All of my wanting and needing was still looking for something specific to latch onto.
I spent the next few years learning and adventuring with purpose still at the forefront of my mind. It was a bit like the little bird from Are You My Mother? by PD Eastman. Everywhere I went, everything I did, everyone I encountered I was quietly asking the question, “Are you my purpose?”
There was a period of time in my late 20s and early 30s in which I didn’t ask the question quite so often. I was so caught up in life that I managed to mute the desperation. I buried myself in work, connections, serving, traveling, adventures, languages, food, etc. Don’t get me wrong—my life was good and I enjoyed it! But it was as though I was living with the volume turned down or swimming underwater while trying to listen to a full orchestra play on land.
For the next 10 years I continued to pursue purpose but felt less internal pressure. Muting desperation helped. I still wanted purpose but avoided the fear of failure if I didn’t find it. It was like I’d put the fear on hold for a bit by ignoring it. As you can imagine, it didn’t quite work the way I hoped. I found myself avoiding the completion of tasks, getting lost in the hum-drum of life instead of doing the things I really wanted to do. I was moving forward, but it felt directionless and confused at times. I still completed important goals; I accomplished things that added value to my life and those around me. But I was missing a peaceful sense of purpose. I wanted to find that peace, a contentment and confidence that I was fulfilling my purpose in life.
I found myself coming back to that tiny seed of hope that had blossomed in my chest all those years ago when my Dad said, “What if your purpose is just to be?” I mean, what if that could be true? What if living out my purpose looked like embracing myself in every season that I’m in? What if my purpose in life is to be the best, most authentic version of myself possible?
I have come to believe and embrace the idea that my purpose in life, our purpose as individuals, is to be the best, most authentic version of ourselves possible. This doesn’t mean we’re sitting around on our duffs doing nothing at all. Being doesn’t mean not doing. But, for me at least, it does mean removing all the pressure and stress I had associated with finding one purpose and fulfilling it. Being present in my own life, on my own journey, embracing my authentic self looks like showing up every day, in every aspect of this journey. I turned off the mute button; I can hear the orchestra playing. Life is vibrant and full of colours and sounds.
No, I haven’t figured out all the things I want to do with my life. But again, doing isn’t the same as being. I’m allowed to experience both. And simply being the most authentic version of myself possible has freed me to more easily pursue my goals and dreams. I can do more because I’m content that simply being me is enough.
I am becoming.
Journey Prompt:
What does purpose mean to you?
How has it changed over the years?
What if your purpose in life were simply to be the most authentic version of yourself possible? When you consider this:
What positive responses and questions come up?
What negative responses and questions come up?
How would being your most authentic self change your life’s trajectory?
Take a moment to let all of your ideas around purpose fade away for a moment. When all of the questions and thoughts stop swirling, who do you see? Who do you want to be?
