Journeying Through

I have always moved forward and created. I've always made things and improved things, wherever I was, in every circumstance.

Recently, I’ve had a few big blows to my finances, and it hurts. I feel silly, embarrassed, dumb, foolish, scared, worried, afraid… with a handful of other emotions and sensations that are too discouraging to even look at right now. I’m questioning my decisions. I’m questioning myself. I’m looking at the circumstances, letting the waves of different emotions wash over me and gently holding space for myself and the pain I feel—knowing I won’t stay in this state of being forever.

As I feel the pain of not knowing where my income will come from, of being afraid of not providing for my kids, not being able to do special things for my family and friends, I’m acknowledging how very real those feelings and concerns are. Will they love me anyway?

(Yes, they all will. But I also don’t like people knowing I’m struggling. I don’t want them to know how tight of a spot I’m in.)

I certainly don’t want pity. And though I very likely need help (why do I still have such a hard time admitting I need help? Ha!), I still don’t want to tell people I need help let alone ask for it. Somehow, that feels like I’ve failed. Like I’ve spiraled into the needy, desperate version of myself that no one wants to be around. I don’t want to be around that version of myself. And yet, I don’t know how to say I need and want help without sounding needy, without feeling like I’ve failed.

I’m sitting out on my patio as I write this, releasing my thoughts and feelings and finding that the weight I’m carrying begins to lessen. I still need to blow my nose and wipe my eyes, but my breathing is evening out. I’m taking deep breaths and releasing them without the same pain and fear behind them. There’s a breeze and a light rain that cleared off some of the heat and humidity, and with that breeze, I’m aware of the gratitude I have in the midst of all this. Gratitude that I can let myself feel the things I’ve just typed and still love myself, gratitude that I have a place to live, that my kids and I are safe, that we can enjoy the summer, that my dogs and cats like to be around us, that we have friends and family who like and love us.

I don’t fully understand how the law of attraction works, how sometimes we seem to glide through life without issue, how it can feel like I'm on the verge of a shift or breakthrough that I’ve been longing for, only to get shoved back. How is it that things seemed to work themselves out when I was younger and naive, and now it seems like I know too much to stay in the flow of letting life happen and seeing things work out? Maybe it’s just that it’s easy to look back and see how things came together and to forget the fears I felt in those moments…

What does it look like to connect with the light within myself and fully be me? Not the performance me that does and says things because she thinks that will get to the result she wants. But the purest, realest, me-est me. The version of me that is so at peace with herself, so in tune with herself, that intuition and trust guide every step. Not as a guarantee, but as a trust and belief that doing things in a way that fully aligns with myself will end in contentment of some kind.

I think that may be the light. Tapping into the remarkably luminous light within me. Basking in the brilliant light that banishes shadows and fears. Allowing myself to enjoy life, to create, to connect, and to trust even when the circumstances say otherwise. 

Which brings me back to my starting point, the message I sent Rebekah this morning:

~ Rachael