It's OK to Feel Your Way

Did you know that it’s OK to feel your emotions? 

The other day I dropped a bucket of paint on the floor. The lid was on but on impact it flew off and paint splattered across the cream carpet like Jackson Pollock had descended upon the bedroom with a vengeance. It was a deep, blue paint guaranteed to stain the fibers. 

I cried. I mean I hard cried; snot nosed, tears streaming, ugly sobbed my way through clean-up. I was so upset. And rightly so! It was a costly mess - in both time and money. I was feeling so many emotions. 

I was angry that I had dropped the bucket. I was afraid because I’ve been dropping things with some frequency in the last couple of months and maybe that meant cancer was back and slowly taking the strength out of my hands. I was sad that I’d accidentally caused so much damage to our new home. I was afraid, afraid that accidentally dropping a bucket of paint meant that I was stupid and unloveable and no one would ever want me in their life… I felt so many things, all at once, and I simply couldn’t hold it back. 

And you know what? I’m glad. I’m glad I couldn’t hold it all in. I’m happy it spilled out of me in gut wrenching cries as I scooped up paint and put it back in the bucket and started soaking the remainder out of the carpet with warm, soapy water and vinegar. I’m relieved that I let my husband hold me as we swapped places with wet towels, dry towels, and cleaning solutions. I’m proud of myself for just feeling each wave of emotion, as overwhelming as it was.

Do you know why? Because I WAS feeling all those emotions. Pretending everything was fine simply wasn’t going to help.

So why am I telling you all this? Because feeling those emotions, in all their raw, uncomfortable glory allowed me to be so much more present with myself, and in the clean up, than I would have been if I had shut down or let anger overwhelm and drive me. Allowing myself to feel through the pain, anger, fear, and sadness kept me grounded in the moment.

It’s OK to simply let yourself feel. 

Let the emotions wash over you and through you. Research by Dr. Peter A. Levine shows that letting emotions run their course and pass through us is an important step in trauma healing. If we stop the emotions and bottle them up, it’s as though we created a burden, one we don’t need to carry around. Letting the emotions pass, in the moment or at a later time if that’s safer, helps bring us freedom.

(Note: If you’re in an unhealthy situation or relationship, it might not be safe to feel your emotions in the moment. Use your wisdom on whether or not this is a good choice for you.)

Here are some questions to help unpack what you might be (or have been) feeling. You can ask these as you’re experiencing all the feelings (like I did as I let them wash through me) or afterwards if it feels safer to process with some distance.

  • Why do I feel (insert emotion)? What is it doing for me right now?

    • The anger was there to protect me from the fear. The anger didn’t want me to feel the fear because it might hurt me and maybe I wouldn’t bounce back. Anger was safer than fear.

  • Why can’t I stop crying? What does my body need right now?

    • I needed to release all the anger and fear. My body wanted to regulate and find calm. Being held by my husband helped. And simply letting the tears fall and breathing through the sobs also helped release calm.

  • What is sitting behind everything I’m feeling? 

    • At the core of it all was an overwhelming fear of not being loved. Which doesn’t seem connected to the paint spill but that’s where I landed. I didn’t want anyone I loved to think I was stupid and reject me.

Feeling my way through emotions has begun a radical shift in how I interact with myself, people around me, and situations I encounter. It’s OK to feel your way through things. I say this because I live it.

~Rebekah

Journey Prompt:

  • How would it feel to give yourself permission to feel uncomfortable emotions?

  • What are you afraid will happen if you feel uncomfortable emotions when they show up?

  • What will happen if you don’t feel uncomfortable emotions when they show up?

  • What’s one way you can make space to connect with and understand how uncomfortable emotions want to protect you?

Go Deeper:

Note: only do this exercise if you feel comfortable. Extreme traumas often benefit from the support of a trusted professional.

  • Schedule a time when you can be alone or with someone you trust to be a comforting support (having a compassionate witness can be a powerful healing tool). If you choose to do this with someone make sure they can: listen if you want to share, be comfortable with you crying, simply be present without needing anything from you. 

  • Give yourself more time than you think you’ll need. If you think you’ll need 30 minutes, block your calendar for an hour.

  • Choose an event that brings up emotions you haven’t wanted to deal with.

  • Let yourself feel the emotions that spring up as though you’re still in the moment. 

  • Then let the emotions have the space to be felt and processed in a way that they couldn’t be in the moment. 

  • Let yourself:

    • Cry

    • Yell

    • Move

  • If it feels good, you can:

    • Do a rewrite or do-over (similar to reparenting yourself). 

      • If things could have been different, what would that have looked like? 

    • Acknowledge each decision you made in that place to remind yourself of the power you have.

      • Examples:

        • I chose to paint my room because I love color.

        • I chose to paint this morning. 

        • I carefully laid out the drop cloth. 

        • Though not a decision, nothing I did made the paint burst open.

        • I was present with my emotions.

        • I chose to begin cleaning it up.

Stay in touch.

Questions?