Class Reunions and the Lessons We Were Never Taught

Class reunions seem to stir up all the sh*t. The hurtful things people said and did when we were all still kids. Even though we know we were kids, and we’ve all probably grown since then, we are still wary. Why put ourselves through painful memories by seeing those people again?

As I prepared to attend a multi-year class reunion, sifting through my own painful memories and experiences, I found myself asking: What if we had been taught how to navigate our emotions, relationships, and hard conversations, in healthy ways, while we were growing up? 

What if we didn’t have to wait until our brains were fully developed, and the pain nicely ensconced in our systems, to begin the work of healing? What if we could have learned those skills even while our hormones were all over the place, and we were going through some of the fastest growth and season changes of our lives?

For those of us graduating high school in the 1990s and early 2000s, we didn’t have that kind of help and support. We weren’t taught conflict resolution. We weren’t taught how to be a safe person for others or how to hold space for another kid without shame or judgment. Nobody handed us a guidebook to a healthy internal world. We walked the hallways with the heavy weight of expectations about our bodies, our choices, and how we didn’t fit in. We were wounded, and we wounded others right back. 

The hallways and classrooms were battlefields, loaded with mines. Who you were or weren’t friends with mattered in extremes, yet whose side you were on, or who you thought was on your side, could change with one misplaced joke or one social faux pas. Damage was done. Some wounds so deep that even 20-30 years later, we ache at the thought of seeing those who inflicted them.

And yet, I can imagine what it would have felt like to walk those same hallways with a better sense of ourselves; connecting with those around us with calm, confident curiosity. I can imagine what it would be like if we had learned conflict resolution, how to embrace the challenge of admitting we were wrong, and the tangible ways respect shows up in relationships.

What if our collective norm had taught us how to embrace healing therapies or how to always have mutual respect? What if embarrassment and shame were replaced with confidence and hope? I think my life, and the lives of most people I know would be safer, richer, and healthier.

While we can’t physically go back and do it all over again, we can be equipped with those skills in the here and now. It might not be as fast and easy as I imagine it would have been if we’d learned young; but it’s certainly better to learn the skills now than to stay stuck in unhappiness, unhealthy relationships, and living a disconnected life.

Standing in front of the mirror, doing a final fit-check, I faced down my own fears of showing up at the reunion. I felt the temptation to perform, to be what I thought people would expect. I considered avoiding people who might make me uncomfortable, while also feeling the pull to say hi to everyone… The curious and inquisitive parts of me wanted to show up without any fear or judgement—to hear about all the ways people were stepping into the fullness of enjoying their own lives. I wanted to truly be present with others and invite them to experience the same. And you know what? That’s what I did.

Do you want to be wholeheartedly present in life? Start now! It’s never too late. If you weren’t taught good coping skills, if you were hurt or mistreated, if you hurt others and want to avoid that, there is a way forward. We’re never too old to learn.

Whether you’ve been on a healing journey for a while or are a complete beginner, here are some of my favorite resources and ways to start the journey or enhance it:

Pro Tip: If you want to go further, faster, invest in 1:1 sessions with a trusted mentor, coach, therapist etc. These are by far one of the best tools in my own growth journey. There’s something about showing up for a live session that helps me feel more motivated and committed to the healing journey.

~ Rachael (with edits from Rebekah’s musings on the same topic)